she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
