Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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