Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
