Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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