Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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