I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
