Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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