he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
