Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
