If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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