I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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