get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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