The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
