you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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