Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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