i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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