I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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