i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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