I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
