Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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