I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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