craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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