I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
