I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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