when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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