It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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