i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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