Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Is Oprah even human
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
