A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Randomize
