I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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