I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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