True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
