Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
