Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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