I think I won the penis lottery.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
