if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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