So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
