guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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