I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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