Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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