my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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