census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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