Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
