Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
