I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
