The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
