i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
