The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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