the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We talked him into tasing himself.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
