Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
