I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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