This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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